THE MARRIAGE & FAMILY INSTITUTE

WHAT IS CO DEPENDENCY

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

My mental attention is focused on manipulating you "to do it my way."

My self esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

My own hobbies and interests are put aside my time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

Your clothing and personal appearance is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want; I ask you what you want. If I am not aware I assume.

The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

My fear of rejection determines what I say or do~.

My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.

I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you'.

I put my values aside, in order to connect with you.

I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

Earmarks of a Co-dependent Relationship

Feeling owed. I'm going to stay in here and get mine because that person owes me after all that I have done for that person

We select improbable partners

We get arrogant about the relationship

Experience an intensified exaggeration in relationships.  

Being obsessed with the other person and expecting the same level of obsession in return.  (e.g., "Do you think of me as much as I think of you?").

Little spontaneous playfulness

Too many fixed requirements and objectives to the relationship.

Lose individual differences or don't value those differences.

Shortage of time for the relationship, or there is too much time for the relationship.

Lack of conflict resolution, never seem to resolve things.

A lot of self control and censured feelings. You feel as though you have to get careful about who you are and what you say.

Don't share feelings and vulnerability.

Fear of exploring different things in our life

Lack of experimentation.

One or both have a myth of their own perfection or the other's perfection.

Sense of being one-down or one-up in the relationship.

No talk rules, talk less and less about what is going on in your life.

The belief that the other person defines who you are.

Cautious about making commitment in the relationship or you regret the commitment that you have made.

Become preoccupied with the other person.

That you have the energy swings, like fits of fitness and energy, and then periods of exhaustion when you are wiped out, even to the point of illness or emotional depression.

The relationship is tumultuous, chaotic.

Sacrifice outside things for the relationship.

Use of substances to avoid intimacy (drugs, sex, food, etc.).

Do nurturing and caretaking instead of shared intimacy.