Jesus and the Family
The Rev. Dr. Christopher Hershman
Most of us are probably taken aback by Jesus’ words in Matthew 10:32-39. He says that he has not come to bring peace, but a sword and to set family members against each other. Such words conflict with assumptions we often make about family. But Jesus is not being antifamily. Jesus discourages divorce (Mt. 5:32), tells people to love their families (Mt. 5:27ff, 19:1ff), and to honor father and mother (Mt. 15:3ff). But Jesus is saying is that love for family must not stand in the way of obedience to God. Marriage and family are not the ultimate goals for human life. Faithfulness must be set above everything else, even including family unity. Indeed, identity is not found through things like jobs or human relationships alone. Only when our relationship with God is solid will our other relationships fall into place.
All families operate on the basis of certain patterns and roles.These patterns help us feel relatively safe in the world. And we carry these ways of being into all our other relationships. Healthier families genuinely love each other, and are characterized by openness and flexibility. Parents hopefully provide the firmness, discipline and love that developing children need to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are relational, and involve a sense of “where I end, and where you begin.” Boundaries are essential for the development of self-worth and the integration of values that result in personal integrity, assertiveness, the courage to take risks, the capacity for intimacy, and the ability to care for one's self as well as for others. In order to have a healthy sense of self, people must have clear boundaries. Healthy relationships are impossible to establish without them. For boundaries are assertive bottom lines about what we do, as well as what we will tolerate from others. Intimacy involves being vulnerable to and trusting others within relationships, where both have the freedom to be themselves. Healthy marriages and families do not inhibit, but encourage growth.
But those growing up in dysfunctional families don’t tend to develop healthy boundaries because rules are unclear, rigid or confused. So they fear rejection as loss of self, and so need to control others, seek to be perfect, blame and feel responsible for other’s feelings.They may demand complete loyalty from family members, teach secrecy, dishonesty, mistrust, and do not encourage open and honest expression.
Yet by way of contrast, Jesus says we are to speak openly and without fear. Jesus has not simply come to affirm the status quo, but to bring us to a healthy sense of living in light of the gospel. And living in the light of the gospel may at times actually divide and separate family members. When we take up the cross, Jesus knows that following him will often set family members against each other.
In Micah 7:6 the breakdown of the family is used as a sign of the Day of the Lord, which is a time of chaos and calamity. Jesus transforms is thinking about the day of the Lord, because for Jesus, division in a family is not necessarily a sign of chaos but at times may actually be a sign of faithfulness and wholeness. In fact, Jesus says that people are not suited for faith in him unless they are willing to take up the cross and literally accept death to this world's standards.
In the ancient world, family life included each member taking part in daily pagan religious rituals in the home. When a family member became a Christian they would no longer participate. Those loyal to family tradition were angry at those who disrupted the family order by becoming Christian. Often Christian members was expelled from the family and treated as if they were dead. Social structure and the importance of close family relationships made this even harder to bear than the danger of arrest, torture or death at the hands of the political authorities.
Being a believing Christian involved, and continues to involve, having a strong sense of self and personal integrity.For accepting Christ literally meant losing one’s past identity. Many resisted incredible pressure for the sake of Christ. And so, spiritually healthy people value self-worth and self-respect. They genuinely care for others and appropriately respond to their needs. Spiritually healthy people also able to display a sense of healthy detachment from the world and its values, as well as the inappropriate needs of others.
Jesus modeled well adjusted and healthy personhood. He displayed self-respect, as well as a quick, well informed and intelligent mind. He expressed feelings honestly and openly, even painful and angry ones. And he was assertive even when pressured, and wasn't afraid to take stands consistent with his beliefs. Consequently, Jesus wasn't pushed around, abused or manipulated, but was even willing to die for what he believed right. No one, including his enemies, friends or family could keep him from doing what he had to do.
Jesus was also sociable and interested in others and their needs, but also knew when he needed time to be alone. Jesus cared very much about his family. Even when he was dying on the cross he was concerned about his mother's welfare, and made provisions for her. But Jesus was also able to set appropriate and healthy boundaries. Once, when he was speaking to a crowd he was told that his mother and brothers were outside asking for him. He replied, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" Looking around at the people gathered, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother" (Mk. 3:31ff).
Jesus models how we are to live in all of our relationships. Faithful people don’t love family less, but rather love Jesus more. Those who prioritize the wrong things seek security in the wrong things.They want to save themselves and control the world. Jesus says that people who do this trifle away their lives. We need to stop living this way for we are not to continue living in sin. As Paul writes, we must consider ourselves dead to sin, and alive to God in Jesus Christ.
|