Marital Expectations The Search For a Mate | Matrimonial Ventures I went with romantic ideas of being a helpmeet to a man in a new country, but I was sadly ill-equipped when it came to carrying them out. … Hot rolls, plus a vague understanding that petticoats ought to be plain, were my whole equipment for conquering the West. Nannie T. Alderson, A Bride Goes West, 1942 As important as it is to us today, many couples in years past married for reasons other than love. Social status, political connections, money, companionship or security were considered much more important. Instead of being madly in love, most brides went into marriage hoping that love would "come later." The Search For a Mate For the bride who was not of the privileged classes, marriage often meant something other than white lace and promises. Just finding a husband in the first place could be difficult, particularly after the Civil War when thousands of young men died in battle and thousands more moved West to make new lives for themselves. To make ends meet, many American women (and men for that matter) went into domestic service or nursing at an early age, and were unable to take part in the courtship rituals allowed middle and upper class Americans. Ingenuity and perseverance were needed to find a worthy mate if the most enticing qualifications – money and social standing – were not in abundance. Many single women lived in Eastern cities while thousands of single men lived in the West. The problem was getting the two groups together. The Matrimonial News, a San Francisco matchmaking newspaper of the late 1800s, desired to "promote honorable matrimonial engagements and true conjugal felicities" for "amiable" men and women through the publication of personal advertisements: A bachelor of 40, good appearance and substantial means, wants a wife. She must be under 30, amiable and musical. A lady, 23, tall, fair and good looking, without means, would like to hear from a gentleman of position wanting a wife. She is well educated, accomplished, amiable, and affectionate. Aged 27, height 5 feet 9 inches, dark hair and eyes, considered handsome by all, his friends unite in saying he is amiable and will make a model husband. The lady must be one in the most extended acceptation of the word since the advertiser moves in the most polished and refined society. It is also desirable that she should have considerable money. I am 33 years of age, and as regards looks can average with most men. I am looking for a lady to make her my wife, as I am heartily tired of bachelor life. I desire a lady not over 28 or 30 years of age, not ugly, well educated and musical. Nationality makes no difference, only I prefer not to have a lady of Irish birth. She must have at least $20,000. Young lady of good family and education, considered handsome, would like to correspond with some gentleman of means, one who would be willing to take her without a dollar, as she has nothing to offer but herself. Although much more direct concerning finances, these ads are remarkably similar to those found in today's singles columns. Such advertising wasn't cheap, however: rates were $1.50 per word and, if a wedding occurred, both parties agreed to pay the magazine an additional fee within one month. Matrimonial Ventures That such ads paid off is not in question. In her acclaimed book Letters From a Woman Homesteader, Elinor Pruitt Stewart, a widow who came West seeking a better life for herself and her young daughter, described a couple she encountered on the road one day in 1914: In a wobbly old buckboard sat a young couple completely engrossed by each other. That he was a Westerner we knew by his cowboy hat and boots; that she was an Easterner, by her not knowing how to dress for the ride across the desert. … It came out that our young couple were bride and groom. They had never seen each other until the night before, having met through a matrimonial paper. They had met in Green River and were married that morning … Elinor Pruitt Stewart was herself involved in a matrimonial venture. She moved to Burnt Fork, Wyoming, in 1909 to take a job as housekeeper to a Scottish farmer whom she later married. They had only known each other a short time, but as she later noted, "The trend of events and ranch work seemed to require that we be married first and do our "sparking" afterward. … Although I married in haste, I have no cause to repent." In farming, ranching and mining communities, where many men were recent immigrants from Europe and Asia, contracting for brides from "the old country" was not unusual. While part of this had to do with language and custom, some immigrants felt that young American women were too modern and outspoken. The American system of courtship was also thought to be a bit too undignified. As noted in 1914 by Hu Shi, future ambassador to the United States from Nationalist China, Our women do not need to offer themselves in social intercourse for the sake of marriage; nor need they labor to find a spouse for themselves. This gives weight to the dignity of women. But in the West it is not like this. As soon as an [American] woman grows up she devotes herself to looking for a spouse. … Those who are plain and dull or who do not want to lower themselves to charm men end up as old spinsters. Thus, lowering women's dignity and making them offer themselves as bait for men is the flaw in Western freedom of marriage. Rather than take a chance on American women, many an Irish wheat farmer, Czech coal miner and Chinese merchant wrote home requesting "maidens of good moral character" willing to travel across the ocean for the purpose of marriage. Basque sheep ranchers in Johnson County, for example, had brides sent over from their home villages in the Pyrenees, while Japanese miners had their brides sent sight-unseen across the Pacific.
Understanding Myself and My Partner The joy of differences A Please list your responses to the following statements: 1. My partners' strengths are: My partners' weaknesses are: 2. The things that I do better than my partner are: The things my partner does better than I do:
EXPLORING VALUES
Check each item you agree with. Put a double check if you feel especially strong in your agreement. If you do not agree, put a ? next to the statement.
Sexual intercourse is very personal and should not be talked about.
If our sex life is good, the rest of our relationship will be good.
We can improve our sexual relationship in marriage by using a variety of positions and techniques.
If we are caring and open in our daily life, then our sexual relationship will be good.
We should be able to talk easily about our sexual relationship.
My ideas about birth control are closely related to my religious beliefs.
We want to have two children, preferably, a girl and a boy.
Wives as well as husbands should feel free to initiate love making.
Sex has been played up too much; it's not all that important in a good marriage.
Sex manuals are pornographic.
It is better to make love in the dark.
Some sex manuals can help us understand and enjoy our sexuality better.
God wants us to enjoy our sexuality together.
The honeymoon sets the pattern. Whatever happens there pretty much determines how our love‑making will be in the rest of our marriage.
(Adapted from Love in Deed by Judith Tate O'Brien)
Expectations that arise from my Inner Needs Psychological and biological needs exist deep within yourself, and it probably will be more difficult for you to be as clear on these points as on those in Part I. But even if you are unaware of your feelings about some of these things, you will find that as you think about them answers will begin to emerge. 1. Independence ‑ Dependence ‑How well can I take care of, and function for, myself? Do I want my partner to complete my sense of self, or to start what I can't start alone? ‑Do I feel as if I can't survive without my partner? ‑Is my sense of worth dependent on my partner's attitude or feeling toward me? ‑Am I dependent on my partner to initiate plans? ‑Am I dependent on my partner to set our tastes, pace, style? 2. Activity ‑ Passivity, ‑How much desire and ability do I have to take action to get what I want? ‑Can I be active in reality as well as in theory? ‑If I'm passive, am I hostile to an active partner? For example, will I exercise veto power without suggesting alternatives? 3. Closeness ‑ Distance. ‑Do I become increasingly anxious as I expose my feelings, thoughts and actions, or do I get closer to my partner? ‑Do I dare to expose any personality or intellectual limitations or "frailties," such as cultural gaps, childish behavior? ‑Do I dare to let my partner really know me? ‑Can I communicate openly enough to make known my needs, to solve problems? ‑Am I aware enough to share my feelings and experiences? ‑When my partner says, "Tell me what you're thinking," do I perceive it is an intrusive, controlling inquiry or as an invitation to open, intimate and candid dialogue? Do I feel apprehensive, freeze or go blank or can I be honest with myself and my partner? ‑Do I avoid closeness? ‑How urgently do I need my own living space? How strongly do I resist if someone intrudes on it? 4. Power: Use and Abuse. ‑Can I share power or do I want it all? Or do I usually abdicate or delegate it to my partner? ‑Can I use power without ambivalence and anxiety? ‑Am I so afraid of not having power that I must always be in control? ‑Or do I always renounce my desire for power and assume that my partner's power will be used in my behalf‑and feel hurt and angry if it isn't? OVER 5 Dominance ‑ Submission. ‑Do I generally submit or dominate? ‑Do I subscribe to the seesaw theory ‑ if one of us is up, the other must be down? ‑Can we resolve matters without one or the other's submitting or dominating? 6. Fear of loneliness or Abandonment. ‑To what degree is my love for my partner based on my fear of being alone? ‑What do I expect my partner to do to keep me from being lonely or to alleviate my fear of desertion? ‑If I have fears about loneliness and desertion, how do they affect my behavior in the relationship? Do I cling? Find excuses to tag along? ‑Have I chosen a mate who is likely to stay with me, or have I selected someone who is bound to feed my fears? 7. Need to Possess and Control. ‑Can I feel easy about my mate's new initiative and outside interests and activities or do I have to possess and control him or h6r to feel secure? 8. Level of Anxiety. ‑How do I behave when I am anxious? ‑How do I behave when I am emotionally upset in other ways? ‑How does my style of dealing with anxiety affect my partner? 9. Response to Anxiety. ‑If my partner is anxious, how does that affect me? ‑Can I accept his or her anxiety without feeling that I am to blame for it? ‑Do I respond in such a way as to increase or decrease my partner's anxiety? 10. Sexual Identity. ‑How secure do I feel about my own femaleness or maleness? ‑Am I defensive or aggressive in affirming my womanhood or manhood? 11. Characteristics Wanted in Partner. ‑In order to enjoy sex, what do I expect of a partner? ‑What personality traits, physical characteristics, graces and role assumptions do I like? ‑Are such attributes as achievement, the ability to handle emergencies, be a protector, survive easily and the like important to me in a partner? 12. Acceptance of Self and Others. ‑Can I love myself and my partner? ‑Am I so self‑involved that I can't love anyone else? ‑Does love make me feel so vulnerable that I have to avoid it to feel safe? Now that you have read over "want lists," you have a basis for asking yourself what you really expect and need from your relationship. Assuming that youT mate has a want list of his or her own, how much of it are you familiar with? What do you do about filling his or her needs? And most important, have you considered that you do what you do for your partner in order to get what you want for yourself? Has it ever occurred to you that you could make trades? "I know it worries you if I leave the office late and forget to call ‑ so I'll call, I promise. But if I do, will you get up and have breakfast with me on weekends? I feel so alone when you don't."
My Intellectual Expectations of My Relationship:
For each item consider: I want or I donot want; to me this is important or not inportant
1. A mate who will be loyal, loving, exclusive.
2. A constant support against the rest of the world.
3. Insurance against loneliness.
4. To be part of a twosome.
5. A solution to the chaos of life.
6. A relationship that must last "until death us do part."
7. Sanctioned and readily available sex.
8. To create a family.
9. The inclusion in my new family of people other than my mate who require prime consideration too; for example, my children, parents and friends.
10.To acquire a ready‑made family (in‑laws, stepchildren), not just a
mate.
11.My own home, a refuge from the world.
12.A respectable position and status.
13.To create, with my partner, an economic and/or a social unit.
14.To have an all‑encompassing image that will inspire me and my mate to work, build, accumulate.
15.A respectable channel for my aggressive drives ‑ everything I do will be for my family, too, not just for me.
UNDERSTANDING EXPECTATIONS: MINE & YOURS
Guidelines:Partners should sit across from one another, not side by side. No talking or interaction during the questioning. You can look at each other, but do not speak to one another. Write down answers as concisely as possible. You may add information to your answers at any time during the questioning period, but you cannot delete, i.e., remove any answers.
1a. My expectations for you as my wifeMy expectations for you as my husband
are:are:
1b.My expectations for you as my husband are: My expectations for you as wife are:
2. 1 expect to have sex with you_________times a____________(day/week/month) and in
this (or these) way(s):___________________________________________________________
3.Are there some things in your past that you are not willing to discuss with your future spouse because you feel you would not be accepted by that person? For example: Shoplifting; car accidents; pre‑marital sex; extra‑marital sex; your abuse of someone else; you being abused by someone else; being fired from a job; contracting a genital disease; homosexual relationship(s); being raped; raping someone; having a child from a former relationship; being jailed; steeling; etc.
Yes____________No________Refuse to answer_________
4.Check any of the topics listed below which are not comfortable for you to share with your future spouse.
_____Love_____Family_____Fantasy
_____Life_____Marriage_____Dreams
_____Death_____Hatred_____Joy
_____Ambition_____Sadness_____Ecstasy
_____Sex _____Depression_____Religious feelings
_____Refuse to answer
5.I expect ___or do not expect___to have children. If yes, how many?______
When?_________________________________
6.I expect us to_______or not to___ _ go to church? Which Church?____________
How frequently? ________times per month. ______times per year.
7. I expect our children to be raised in the___________________church.
S. I expect that when you do not agree with me you will...
9. When you do something that I strongly dislike I expect that I will...
10. When you do something that I strongly dislike, I expect that you will……
11.I expect the only reason or reasons that I would leave you are:
12.Marriage to me means:
13.Love to me means:
14.Faithfulness to me means:
15.The one thing I dislike the most about you is:
16.The one thing that I love the most about you is:
17.If you ever become cripple/disfigured I will:
18.I expect you to show me your love by:
TO AGREE OR DISAGREE
(adapted from The Relationship Manual
by David L. Luccke, Relationship Institute, 1981)
Take turns completing sentences one through four; then each person answer question five:
1.In general, it seems to me that our values tend to agree most when it comes to things like ......
2.Our values seem to disagree most when it comes to things like ......
3.It seems to me that the way we deal with our differing values is ... (Select all appropriate responses.)
a.I give up my values to avoid conflict
.
b.You give up your values to avoid conflict.
c.We both give up our values to avoid conflict.
d.We each do our'own thing.
e.I try to get you to accept my values.
g.We trade off. (for example, I don't bug you about religion If you don't bother me about golf.)
h.We hassle without resolving anything.
i. other (Explain)
4.The way it works out for us when we deal with our differences in this way is ......
5.Having said and done all this what (if anything) have we accomplished?
I
GETTING INTO IT
Take turns completing each of the following sentences:
1.When I was growing up, some things that seemed important to my family were ......
2.Something that was important to both of us from the beginning of our relationship was ......
3.Something important to me that I have wanted to be important to you is ......
CONFLICT
1.Anger is the opposite of love. If you are angry, you do not love.
2.Apathy Is the opposite of love. Anger Indicates that the other person's attitudes and actions matter much.
3.Conflict kills love. If you have conflicts, your marriage is in mortal danger.
4.Love does not mean an absence of conflict, nor does conflict Indicate an absence of love. Conflict Is love testing the strength of its ties to the other.
5.Conflicts are little things that keep cropping up and spoiling everything. Little things alone can do a marriage in.
6.Most of what we call conflicts tend to be symptoms; minor, superficial disagreements which are often a cover for the real conflicts beneath the surface. Both are important, but the crucial ones are usually the differences that remain hidden.
7.Each individual difference must be taken seriously and dealt with thoroughly as it comes up or it will always be there to bug you
.
8.Many minor differences should be accepted with humor and treated with a smile. If we get hung up on these little frictions that clutter our daily relationships, we may never get down to dealing with the real differences.
9.A husband or wife can always tell you what's really bugging them if you just listen and take what they tell you literally.
10.Most husband‑wife conflicts tend to come out indirectly over substitute issues and often stalemate unless careful listening brings the central differences into the open.
Answer the above with A If you agree with the statement and D if you disagree.
Developed from Cherishable: Love & Marriage by David W. Augsburger
Crazymakers
What's your conflict style? To give you a better idea of some unproductive ways you may be handling your conflicts, we'll describe some typical conflict behaviors that can weaken relationships.
Barriers to Communication in Conflict
The Avolder ‑ The avoider refuses to fight. When a conflict arises, he'll leave, fall asleep, pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem In some other way. This behavior makes it very difficult for the partner to express his feelings of anger, hurt, etc., because the avoider won't fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won't even put up his gloves.
The Pseudoaccommodator ‑ The pseudoaccommodator refuses to face up to a conflict either by giving in or by pretending that there's nothing at all wrong. This really drives the partner, who definitely feels there's a problem, crazy and causes him to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodator.
The Guilt Maker ‑ Instead of saying straight out that she doesn't want or approve of something, the guilt maker tries to change her partner's behavior by making him feel responsible for causing pain. The guilt maker's favorite line is "It's O.K. don't worry about me..." accompanied by a big sigh.
The Subject Changer ‑ Really a type of avoider, the subject changer escapes facing up to aggression by shifting the conversation whenever It approaches an area of conflict. Because of his tactics the subject changer and his partner never have the chance to explore their problem and do something about it.
The Distracter ‑ Rather than come out and express his feelings about the object of his dissatisfaction, the distracter attacks other parts of his partner's life. Thus he never has to share what's really on his mind and can avoid dealing with painful parts of his relationship.
The Mind Reader ‑ Instead of allowing her partner to express his feelings honestly, the mind reader goes Into character analysis, explaining what the other person really means or what's wrong with the other person. By behaving this way, the mind reader refuses to handle her own feelings and leaves no room for her partner to express himself.
The Trapper ‑ The trapper plays an especially dirty trick by setting up a desired behavior for the partner, and then when it's met, attacking the very thing requested. An example of this technique is for the trapper to say "Let's be totally honest with each other,," and then when the partner shares feelings, be./she is attacked for having feelings that the trapper doesn't went to accept.
The Crisis Tickler‑ This person almost brings what's bothering him to the surface, but he never quite comes out and expresses himself. instead of admitting his concern about the finances, he innocently asks "Gee, how much did that cost? dropping a rather obvious hint but never really dealing with the crisis.
The Gunnysacker ‑ This person doesn't respond immediately when he's angry. Instead, he puts his resentment into his gunnysack, which after a while begins to bulge with large and small gripes. Then, when the sack Is about to burst, the gunnysacker pours out all his pent‑up aggressions on the overwhelmed and unuspecting victim.
The Trivial Tyrannizer ‑ Instead of honestly sharing his resentments, the trivial tyrannizer does things he knows will get his partner's goat ‑ leaving dirty dishes in the sink, clipping his fingernails in bed, belching out loud, turning up the television too loud, and so on.
The Joker ‑ Because she's afraid to face conflicts squarely, the joker kids around when her partner wants to be serious, thus blocking the expression of important feelings.
The Beltliner ‑ Everyone has a psychological "beltline," and below It are subjects too sensitive to be approached without damaging the relationship. Beltlines may have to do with physical characteristics, intelligence, past behavior, or deeply ingrained personality traits a person Is trying to overcome. In an attempt to "get even" or hurt his partner, the beltliner will use his intimate knowledge to hit below the belt, where he knows It will hurt.
The Blamer ‑ The blamer is more interested in finding fault than in solving a conflict. Needless to say, he usually doesn't blame himself. Blaming behavior almost never solves a conflict and is an almost surefire way to make the receiver defensive.
Looking out/Looking 19, Interpersonal Communication, Second Edition, Ron Adler and Net, Towne; Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1978.
DIRTY FIGHTING
1. "Spy On Each Other" Look for weaknesses and shortcomings.
2. "Time Your Attacks" When spouse is most defenseless or unready for a fight.
3. "'Shot Gun Attack" Strike in all directions; don't limit conflict to present.
4. "Tease" Be more passive; you can declare your attack is innocent fun if it goes badly for you. ("What's the matter, can't you take a Joke?")
5. "Overkill" Releasing bottled up aggression on a small incident.
6. "Martyr" Give up something willingly but then mope, act depressed, causing guilt in spouse which punishes spouse and self.
7. "Labeler" Analyze and label spouse's behavior to be hurtful.
8. "Don't Listen" Instead of listening, direct your energy to marshalling your own defense and counter attack while spouse is talking.
9. "Be Unclear" Don't give a clear message to spouse,
10. "Make Up Immediately" Also known under the name "Oh, just drop it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything."