MARRIAGE & FAMILY INSTITUTE

COUPLES THERAPY WITH MARRIAGE CONTRACTS 

Clifford J. Sager

Couples have been involved in making either overt or covert marital contracts since Adam and Eve. MFTs have also been involved with helping couples  develop good marital contracts. However, we often fail to do it with the depth and specificity that will help the married couple grow from the contracting process. It can be a very valuable part of what MFTs do to help clients if it is done thoroughly. Conjoint treatment, working with the two partners together, has become the common modality for marital therapy but there is still no comprehensive or generally acceptable diagnostic or theoretical system to describe and explain what factors contribute to establishing and maintaining good or poor marriages.
In work with marital couples and families, the concept of individual marriage contracts has proved extremely useful as a model for elucidating interactions between marital partners. Specifically, we seek to understand these interactions in terms of the congruence, complementarity, or conflict of the partners' reciprocal expectations and obligations. These 'contractual dynamics' are powerful determinants of the individual's behavior within the marriage, as well as of the quality of the marital relationship. It is, therefore, logical to assume that analysis of marital transactions according to this model may clarify otherwise inexplicable behavior and events within the marriage and also may provide a focus around which to organize effective therapeutic intervention when an individual, a marriage, or a family is in trouble.

The term "individual contract" refers to a person's concepts, expressed and unexpressed, conscious and beyond awareness, of his or her obligations within the marital relationship and of the benefits that the person expects to derive from marriage in general and from his or her spouse in particular. But what must be emphasized above all is the reciprocal aspect of the contract: what each partner expects to give and what he or she expects to receive from the spouse in exchange are crucial.

Contracts deal with every conceivable aspect of family life: relationships with friends, achievements, power, sex, leisure time, money, children, and so forth. The degree to which a marriage can satisfy each partner's contractual expectations in these areas is an important determinant of the quality of that marriage.

The terms of the individual contracts are determined by deep needs and wishes that each individual expects the marital relationship will fulfill for him or her. These will include healthy and realistically plausible, as well as neurotic and conflictual, needs. It is most important to realize that although each spouse may be aware of his own needs and wishes on some level of awareness, he does not usually realizes that his attempts to fulfill the partner's needs are based on the covert assumption that his own wishes will thereby be fulfilled.

Furthermore, although each spouse is usually at least partly aware of the terms of his contract and some of the needs from which these terms are derived, he may be only remotely aware, if at all, of the implicit expectations of his spouse. Indeed, a partner may assume there is mutual agreement on a contract when in fact this is not so; the individual then behaves as if an actual contract existed and both spouses were equally obliged to fulfill its terms. When significant aspects of the contract cannot be fulfilled, as is inevitable, and especially when these lie beyond his own awareness, the disappointed partner may react with rage, injury, depression, or withdrawal and provoke marital discord by acting as though a real agreement had been broken. This response is particularly likely to occur when one partner believes that he has fulfilled his obligations but that his spouse has not (pp. 473-4).

While exploring what each spouse has in their contract, they will most likely come up against conflicts. The goal then becomes one of trying to resolve those conflicts so that the relationship is governed by one contract that both parties agree to. As the separate contracts more clearly approach a single contract, whose terms are known to and agreed on by both partners, we can expect a healthier, more fulfilling give-and-take between the partners (p. 476).

In the process of moving toward that single contract, the therapist may play a very key role in helping the couple determine exactly what they really want from one another. Often people cherish fantasies that are not realistic and they need to move toward contracts that truly meet their needs. "Susan had fantasied how sensual and gratifying it would be for them to make love in a wooded area near their home. My task assignments to them were that within the next two days he should initiate and make love to her in the woods. Within two days after that she would initiate sex in the style he had fantasied, taking the initiative and being 'wanton' and passionate while he remained passive. They both agreed and seemed delighted with these instructions. It was as if they had been waiting for someone to cut the Gordian knot of their power struggle. The tasks were designed to see whether they could accept what they claimed they wanted and whether they could give to each other. I was not concerned about their sexual functioning, since it was clear there were no sexual dysfunctions here. But how would they react to the opportunity to have what they claimed they wanted?" (p. 479). "We then discussed the basic ideas of the marriage contract, using the concepts of the article they had read, which described the three levels of awareness: verbalized, conscious but not verbalized, and beyond awareness.

This was done with emphasis on the exchange quality: I do for you and expect you to do for me in return. I asked them to write out their contracts separately at home, using the article as a model, and not to discuss them together until both had finished. If they wished to read or discuss the two contracts after that, it would be fine. If they made any changes or additions, they should leave in the original terms and clearly note any changes that had been added as a result of the discussion...The Smiths left the second session with two sets of instructions: to write out their separate marriage contracts and to continue to take turns initiating sex and playing out each other's fantasies. The initiator would play out his or her own fantasy. I knew that genuine progress toward a single sexual contract would be achieved when each also used part of the other's fantasy on his or her own initiative, so that the leadership went back and forth in the same sexual encounter without thoughts of 'What is for me and what is for my partner?'" (p.480).

If you are married or thinking of getting married, I would urge you to sit down and develop in-depth contracts with one another. Remember now, you are trying to examine both what you are aware of and what you are not aware of as elements of your contract. That will not be easy to do and you may want to get help from a classmate or someone you trust and respect. Also, if you are able to you might consider doing this with your own parents! Be careful, good luck!

Marital and Family Roles

Roles play an extremely important part in healthy family functioning. Most researchers agree that the establishment of clear roles within a family is directly connected to a family's ability to deal with day-to-day life, unforeseen crises, and the normal changes that occur in families over time.

Family Roles are patterns of behavior by which individuals fulfill family functions and needs (Epstein etal., 1993) People throughout history depended on families and the kinship system for their survival. This dependence permitted and required that they conform to expected family roles depending on their living circumstances. This gave a family strong control over its members, a circumstance that is changing in the modern world because people no longer always need families for economic survival.

Intentional and unintentional forces worldwide continue to introduce important changes in family roles, in expectation and practice. For example, recent research in a variety of settings reinterprets women's historical roles in Egypt (Watterson 1998), among the Vikings ( Jesch 1996), in medieval Europe (Lewis et al. 1999), and among Native Americans (Klein and Ackerman 1995).

Industrialization, urbanization, and the global economy, along with their communication systems, reach into a nation's families, changing where and how men and women live, how often and when they have children, and how they work.

World citizenship, global cosmopolitan culture, and international conferences change gender roles. But role change is not unidirectional and may become either narrower or more diverse. Social roles pivot on assigned and attained places in various social settings, including work, politics, religion, and family activities.

Across cultures, gender is an important assigned social location among these (Goody 1996). In the past, sex role was the common designation for activities based on being male or female. Gender role is more frequently used now because it seems less restrictive than sex role. Both terms continue to be used interchangeably. Social role applies to family in multiple ways, but examining adult roles is complicated by a family's living arrangement.

Family roles vary importantly among one-parent, two-parent, and multiple-parent families depending on the combination of persons by gender. Nations variously prescribe what constitutes the family unit through their laws. Preindustrial cultures more commonly prescribed, or permitted, a marital unit with one male and more than one female (polygyny), and less frequently a unit with one female and more than one male (polyandry). The status of a male or female reflected, in part, how many spouses one would have (Cassidy and Lee 1989). Higher status males tended to have more wives. The social context of these different family living arrangements dictates different rights and responsibilities based on gender (Dodoo 1998).

Modernizing societies tend toward equalizing gender status and power. Several terms identify basic social role dimensions, and an extensive body of literature discusses these dimensions (Farmer 1992). One dimension is role location. Common titles identify family role location such as mother, father, daughter, son, uncle, or aunt. These titles identify the general status and gender of the people within the family. Hence, these titles reflect family rights and responsibilities, duties and privileges, power and authority. Gender is important in making social distinctions because families often transmit wealth and property by gender, making a person's sex a factor in determining family status.

Role status and the precision of these terms vary widely among the world's cultures. Increased family mobility and modernization blur traditional kinship statuses, particularly in countries based on traditional agricultural economies.

Types of Family Roles

Family roles are the recurrent patterns of behavior by which individuals fulfill family functions and needs (Epstein, N. B. Bishop, D., Ryan, C., Miller, & Keitner, G. (1993) Individual members of families occupy certain roles such as child, sibling, grandchild. Along with roles come certain social and family expectations for how those roles should be fulfilled. For example, parents are expected to teach, discipline, and provide for their children. And children are expected to cooperate and respect their parents.

As family members age, they take on additional roles, such as becoming a spouse, parent, or grandparent. A person's role is always expanding or changing, depending upon his or her age and family stage.

Instrumental and Affective Roles

Individuals within a family have both instrumental and affective roles to fulfill. Each serves an important function in maintaining healthy family functioning. Instrumental roles are concerned with the provision of physical resources (e.g., food, clothing, and shelter), decision-making and family management. Affective roles exist to provide emotional support and encouragement to family members. Both sets of roles must be present for healthy family functioning. In addition, families must also consider issues of roles allocation and accountablility.

Five Essential Roles for Effective Family Functioning

There are many roles within a family; however, researchers have identified the following five roles as being essential for a healthy family.

1. Provision of Resources Providing resources, such as money, food, clothing, and shelter, for all family members is one of the most basic, yet important, roles within a family. This is primarily an instrumental role.

2. Nurturance and Support Nurturing and supporting other family members is primarily an affective role and includes providing comfort, warmth, and reassurance for family members. Examples of this role are a parent comforting a child after he/she has a bad day at school, or family members supporting one another after the death of a loved one.

3. Life Skills Development The life skills development role includes the physical emotional, educational, and social development of children and adults. Examples of this role are a parent helping a child make it through school, or a parent helping a young adult child decide on a career path.

6. Maintenance and Management of the Family System This fourth role involves many tasks, including leadership, decision making, handling family finances, and maintaining appropriate roles with respect to extended family, friends and neighbors. Other responsibilities of this role include maintaining discipline and enforcing behavioral standards. Sexual

7. Gratification of Marital Partners

A satisfying sexual relationship is one of the keys to a quality marital relationship. This role involves meeting sexual needs in a manner that is satisfying to both spouses.

Role Allocation

Role allocation is the assignment of responsibilities within a family that enables the family to function properly. Families have to make many decisions, often on a daily basis, about who will be responsible for completing a certain task or fulfilling a particular responsibility. For example, families must decide who will take out the trash, who will take the children to school, who will cook dinner, who will watch the children after they return from school, who will work and provide financial support for the family, etc. In healthy families, roles are assigned in such a way that family members are not overburdened. Sharing roles, such as child care, is an important family task.

Role Accountability

Role accountability refers to a family member's sense of responsibility for completing the tasks of an assigned role. In healthy families, there are procedures in place which ensure that necessary family functions are fulfilled. For example, parents in healthy families understand that they are responsible for disciplining their children. When discipline is needed, they do not hesitate. These parents know that a failure to fulfill this role properly will result in child behavior problems which will disrupt the family's ability to function.

Suggestions for Developing Healthy Family Roles

The assigning and carrying out of family roles can be a difficult task, requiring tremendous effort on the part of individual family members. However, listed below are some guidelines that can help families make this process easier, leading to healthier functioning.

Establish Clear Roles

Roles should be clearly identifiable. Individual family members must know and acknowledge their roles and responsibilities. For example, in healthy families, mothers and fathers have a clear understanding of their role as parents. They are to provide physical resources (e.g., food, clothing, shelter), discipline, and a supportive, nurturing environment that facilitates their children's physical and emotional development. Families that are having difficulties often find that their family roles are not well defined and individual members do not understand what is expected of them. Establishing clear roles helps a family function more effectively because each member knows what he/she is expected to accomplish. If these individuals fail to fulfill their roles then other family members might have to do extra work, making them feel resentful and overburdened, thus hurting the functioning of the family.

Allow for Flexibility

Flexibility in roles is essential in a healthy family. Family roles naturally change over time. They also may change during times of crisis, such as when a family member becomes seriously ill or unexpectedly dies. The difference between healthy and unhealthy families in these situations is the healthy family's ability to adjust and adapt, which often requires a temporary or permanent shift in roles. In the case of illness or death, it is sometimes necessary for other family members to take on additional roles (e.g., becoming a financial provider). Flexibility in roles is essential in a healthy family.

Allocate Roles Fairly

In healthy families, every member is responsible for fulfilling certain roles. These roles are spread among the various members so that no one is asked to take on too many responsibilities. Problems arise if one family member is forced to fulfill too many roles. An example of this is when fulltime working mothers are expected to take care of the children and complete the majority of household tasks with little assistance from other family members. It is important to discuss, as a family, each member's understanding of the roles he or she has been assigned. If someone feels overburdened and unable to fulfill that particular role, then changes may be needed. In healthy families, children are required to take on appropriate roles of responsibility within the family.

Be Responsible in Fulfilling Family Roles

Families that function well have members who take their roles seriously and do their best to fulfill their duties. Members who fail to take their roles seriously, or who refuse to carry out their roles, can create significant problems for the entire family. An example of failing to fulfill a role is when a parent does not provide adequate physical and emotional support for his/her children. There are many problems that can result from this failure, including behavior problems, depression, and low self-esteem. Willingness to take responsibility for one's roles contributes to a healthy family.

Focus on Family Strengths

Establishing clear, flexible roles is a key to successful family functioning. Research indicates that families who do so will not only be able to deal with everyday family life, but also will be better equipped to handle unexpected family crises. (Family Therapy News, 1990). In families where clear, flexible roles exist, individual members will be much more likely to take their responsibilities seriously.

Family Assessment

Successful Healthy families periodically take inventory of their strengths and weaknesses and take steps to improve their home and family environment. Isn't it time your family took an inventory of how well it is doing? For more detailed information regarding family functioning in the six key areas, contact your local Extension Office for copies of other publications in this series, or view a list of the publications on-line.

The Enduring Significance of Dysfunctional Family Roles

It is widely acknowledged that the effect that our family and chosen role model's has upon us is fundamental to our individual development. In a dysfunctional or psychologically unhealthy family we inherit or develop negative roles or defence mechanisms that we can become trapped in. These are often manifested most when under stress or in a crisis situation where our learnt defence mechanisms become effective.

In contrast to functional or healthy families that foster positive development where trust, love and honest, open relationships thrive, dysfunctional families may produce insecurities and stop ‘normal’ development. Commonly one or more members of the family, either parents or child will have some problem that affects the rest of the unit. They may be alcoholic, abusive, absent, neglectful, or possess some other disorder.

As in any family there is likely to be at least one ‘healthy’ individual who tries to compensate for the failings of those around them. The hero role is taken up to try and solve the problems in the short-term, by deflating the situation feeling that the issue has been dealt with. In reality the problem will probably still exist and the heroes will constantly find themselves fighting against it, taking on needless responsibility and feelings of inadequacy.

The scapegoat believes that they are the cause of the problem(s) and develop complex defence mechanisms to combat these feelings, they may shun personal relationships, rebel against perceived threats including family and adopt feelings of guilt and shame.

The lost child prefers to ignore the immediate situation and withdraw into a safe personal world in which no one can disturb them, isolating themselves from meaningful relationships.

The mascot becomes a distraction, often apt at social situations and entertaining they prevent people from focusing upon the problem believing that it will solve itself rather than deal with painful tasks.


Click HERE to see a chart which describes dysfunstional family roles.

References

Epstein, N. B. Bishop, D., Ryan, C., Miller, & Keitner, G., (1993). The McMaster Model View of Healthy Family Functioning. In Froma Walsh (Eds.), Normal Family Processes (pp. 138-160). The Guilford Press: New York/London.

Family Therapy News (July/August 1990). Healthy families featured in Washington conference, p. 8.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

WIFE'S MARITAL TASKS/ROLES 

Rank in order of importance: Wife ranks task/role; Husband ranks his expectation of task/role.

COMPANION - wife is companion to her husband, regularly shares social and recreational activities as well as more personal and intimate concerns.

COMMUNITY ACTIVITIES - Wife takes part in community organizations and other service activities.

DECISION-MAKING - Wife makes decisions regarding their marriage and family life.

PARENT - Wife helps children to grow by being a mother to them, takes an interest in each child, and spends time with them on a regular basis.

FINANCIAL SUPPORT - Wife contributes financially to support of the family.

HOMEMAKING - Wife serves as homemaker for the family by contributing to the feeling of being a family, providing emotional climate for the home, initiating whole‑family activities, and giving support to each family member.

SOCIAL LIFE - Wife keeps contact with their friends and associates takes responsibility for entertaining as a couple.

HOUSEKEEPING - Wife does housework: cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, and so forth for the family.

ROLE MODEL - Wife is female model for the children, demonstrates what it means to be a woman and a mother

MONEY - Wife manages the family finances, makes decisions about money and pays the bills.

RELIGION - Wife is religious leader in the home, is active in the church, and practices the Christian faith.

SEX COMPANION - Wife is sex partner to her husband, is sensitive to his needs, and negotiates mutually agreeable timing and activities.

IN-LAWS - Wife interacts well with in‑laws and other relatives, balances individual and own family integrity with belonging to the extended family of both partners.

SOURCE OF LOVE - wife gives affection understanding and support to her husband, is able to "be there" for him when needed .

EMPLOYMENT - Wife works for pay outside the home.

PERSONAL GROWTH - Wife takes in classes, groups, and other activities for her own personal growth and development.

COMMUNICATION/CONFLICT - Wife regularly shares both ideas and feelings with husband, keeps communication open in the family, negotiates mutually agreeable ways of dealing with conflicts as they arise.


FOR Women: Write a brief statement about your feelings regarding the comments below‑

1. "A woman's place is in the home
2. "To be fully successful, a woman must marry and have children,"
3. "It's  better not to win when you're playing a game with a man you care about."
4. "It's really not feminine to be aggressive."
5. "It's better not to appear more intelligent than a man"
6. "How do I feel about men in positions of authority?"
7. "What pressures do I feel to maintain a feminine image physically and psychologically?"
8. "How do I really feel about other women?"
9. How free do I feel to change my vocation to a more fulfilling one?

Exercise developed from materials of Howard Clinebell, Jr.
Part I: Enriching Marriage and Family Life (tapes, 1973)

HUSBAND'S MARITAL TASKS/ROLES

Rank in order of importance: Husband ranks task/role; Wife ranks her expectation of task/role.

Companion - Husband is companion to his wife, regularly shares social and recreational activities
as well as more personal and intimate concerns.

Community - Activities. Husband takes part in community organizations and other service activities.         

Decision‑making - Husband makes decisions regarding their marriage and family life.                                  

Parent - Husband helps children grow by being a father to them, takes an interest in each child, and spends time with them on a regular basis.

Financial Support - Husband contributes financially to support of the family.                                                

Homemaking - Husband serves as homemaker for the family by contributing to the feeling of being a family, providing emotional climate for the home, initiating whole‑family activities, and giving support to each family member.

Social Life - Husband keeps contact with their friends and associates, takes responsibility for entertaining as a couple.

Housekeeping - Husband does housework ‑cooking, cleaning,washing clothes, and so forth ‑ for the family.

Role Model - Husband is male model for the children,demonstrates what it means to be a man and a husband.

Money - Husband manages the family finances, makes decisions about money, and pays the bills,                  

Religion - Husband is religious leader in the home, is ac­tive in the church, and practices the Christian faith.

Sexual Companion - Husband is sex partner to his wife, is sensitive to her needs,
and negotiates mutually agreeable timing and activities.

In-Laws - Husband interacts well with in‑laws and other relatives, balances individual and own family integrity with belonging to the extended family of both partners.

Source of  Love - Husband gives affection, understanding, and support to his wife, is able to "be there" for her when needed.

Employment - Husband works for pay outside the home.                                                                                   

Personal growth - Husband takes part in classes, groups and other activities for his own personal growth and development.

Dividing Up Chores
 
Times have changed.
 
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the traditional division of labor, which includes the man working full-time outside the home and the woman taking care of the house. But now, many women also work outside the home and are still forced to continue taking care of all the household duties. However, it's very important to take into account your outside obligations when dividing up the household chores. Most people are busy and would rather be doing something else than washing the dishes or taking out the garbage.

But chores are a fact of life, and they need to get done. It's useful to create a chore chart that will work for your household. Some items on the chore chart will probably be standard, and others will be specific to your home. You and your spouse need to sit down together to make a list that will work for both of you. If you are currently doing the majority of the housework, your spouse may not be so enthusiastic about working out a new system with you. But if there is resentment on your part, then you need to explain this to your spouse.

Holding grudges because of unfair workloads can lead to conflicts in other areas of your marriage. You need to come up with a compromise chore list. You may not be thrilled with it, but it should be one that both of you can live with. It should include daily chores as well as weekly chores. The following list starts with some standard things that most households need done, with space left for you to include special chores for your household.

Soul Mates

When you're in the middle of doing a dull chore, remember that you're helping to make your house a home.
Taking out the kitchen trash
Cleaning the closets
Emptying all the wastebaskets
Vacuuming
Grocery-shopping
Dusting
Preparing dinner
Cleaning the living and dining rooms
Doing the dishes
Ironing
Personal laundry
Straightening up the living areas
Household laundry (towels and linens)
Annual spring cleaning
Mowing the lawn
Taking the garbage cans to the street and back
Cleaning the bathrooms
Cleaning the kitchen
Cleaning the bedrooms
 
Be Fair

When the two of you come up with a complete list of chores, it's time to divide it fairly. You need to take into account how much time each of you works outside the home. If you are working 20 hours a week and your spouse is working a full-time job, it would be reasonable to expect that you would do more of the housework. But if you are also going to school or taking care of the children, that needs to be taken into account as well. There are many creative ways to divide up the chores, but it needs to feel fair to both of you.

Some couples like to rotate chores on a monthly basis to make the routine less dull. For instance, one month you might clean the bathrooms and vacuum every week, while the next month you might take care of the major kitchen cleaning and grocery-shopping.

What if I forget to do some of the chores that I agree to?

Since you have taken the time to agree to them together, do your best to follow through. If you forget, apologize and make it up to your spouse by doing one of his or her chores.

Hang It Up

After the two of you have divided up the chores in a way that will work, we recommend creating a monthly chart and displaying it on the refrigerator or bulletin board. When you have completed your task for the day or week, check it off. By putting a check mark next to a completed chore, it will add to your feeling of accomplishment. You will know that you have done your share that day to help keep the household running smoothly.

No Excuses

It's very important to keep your end of the bargain. If you have agreed to take out the trash every two days, don't forget. It's not your spouse's responsibility to nag you into doing your assigned chores (which would be unpleasant for both of you).

It's your responsibility.

Doing the dishes is as much a part of your relationship as candlelit dinners. Your spouse needs to know that he or she can count on you and that you will follow through on what you say you are going to do.

Think Twice

Don't put your spouse in the unfair position of needing to remind you to do your chores. By not keeping your end of the bargain, you are undermining the trust in your relationship. Can your spouse count on you? Do you follow through on what you say you are going to do? If you answered “No” to either of these questions, think of three specific things you could do to improve these traits.

When a Chore Is More Than a Chore

What if it's your spouse's responsibility to take out the garbage, and he or she keeps forgetting? You've tried yelling and threatening that you won't do your chores if your spouse won't do his or hers, but nothing has worked. You feel frustrated and stuck. Ask yourself: Is my spouse absent-minded and truly forgetting? Or is he or she not doing the chore in order to feel in charge and doesn't want me to nag? Is my spouse angry with me and “acting out” his or her anger by not taking out the trash? Or is he or she feeling overwhelmed in general and dropping all “nonessential” responsibilities?

Do a reality check.

Maybe your spouse is overwhelmed with his or her other responsibilities. This is a big issue and is about more than taking out the trash. You will have done your significant other and your marriage a great favor by recognizing this and by suggesting that the two of you have a heart-to-heart talk.

Explore reasons.

Perhaps your spouse is still grumbling over the fact that he or she missed a special program on television to go out to dinner with your relatives. Unresolved issues can hurt all parts of a marriage. Make time to discuss what might be bothering your partner.

Remind without words.

Carry the trash to the door. Put the empty laundry basket near the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. Don't say a word. Hopefully, your spouse will get the idea and finish the chore him- or herself. If this “silent reminder” bothers your spouse, don't continue to do it, but take the opportunity to ask for suggestions on how to remind your spouse of his or her chores.
Make it part of a routine.

Suggest that you both do 20 minutes of chores while dinner is cooking. It is not your responsibility to do your spouse's chores, but sometimes he or she might need a push in the right direction. Think about what you would like your spouse to do and then figure out what action you can take to get him or her to do it. Often chores become sources for anger and resentment. While it is important to resolve these issues, it is also important to put chores in perspective. Life is too short to let chores ruin a marriage—or even a day.
 
Chaos, Children and Chores

Of course we all love our children dearly, but who knew they’d be so messy? When you have children, you can never count on how long your house will actually stay clean after you’ve cleaned it. A day? An hour? Less? Cleaning up after your kids does not have to take on a life of its own.

By making a clean and organized home a priority for the entire family and by setting and sticking to household standards, you can avoid feeling more like Maid than Mom.

Ages of Your Children.

Household chores are not just for older children. Children as young as two can learn to be organized. Toddlers can learn to put away their toys, brush the dog, put their dirty clothes in the hamper and help to unload groceries. Older children need regular household chores. Studies have shown that children who have chores at home get better grades, are more social and more confident than children who do not have chores.

Children need a certain amount of responsibility and need to learn to be accountable for their actions. Requiring your children to do household chores will help them to be more well rounded (and organized!) as they grow. Older children can make their beds, keep their room organized and clean, dust and vacuum, wash dishes, feed pets, and water plants.

Rewarding Efforts.

Always thank your children when they’ve completed a chore and praise them for doing it and doing it well (when deserved). The traditional chore chart on the fridge is a great parenting tool for positive reinforcement. Reward your children with stickers on the chore chart next to the chore they’ve completed. When they get X number of stickers, they get a reward - a new book or toy, their favorite dinner, a trip to the movies, etc. The chore chart system can be tweaked and customized for your family to suit each child in the house.

Your older children may be more apt to take their chores seriously if there are dollar signs involved. Base your children’s allowance on what you can afford, how many chores your children do and how well they do them. For instance, you can pay according to age (so an 8 year old would receive $8 per week). Or come up with a pricing system that works for you. Luckily, my 3 year old is quite happy with stickers, and my 8 year old is thrilled with Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

Flexibility – Make it Fun!

When it’s possible, allow your child to choose chores that they like to do. Their response will be better because they will enjoy what they’re doing. My three-year old loves to dust. I let her turn her music up a bit, hand her a damp rag and she goes to town. It’s a different story when it comes time for her to clear the table after dinner though. That’s like pulling teeth - without pain killers! Do your children fight over who does which chores? Rotate chores from week to week so that your child isn’t stuck doing something he/she hates every week. (This week Susie dusts and Johnny takes out the trash. Next week it’s Susie’s turn to take out the trash and Johnny’s turn to dust.)

Try not to base household chores on gender.

There’s nothing wrong with your son having to wash dishes or do laundry and there’s nothing wrong with your daughter taking out the trash or washing the car. No housework is strictly for girls or strictly for boys. Send your son off to college with the ability to do his own laundry, and your daughter with the confidence that she can haul out a ladder to change a light bulb.

If rotating chores doesn’t work to stop bickering, try writing the chores down on little pieces of paper and having your children pick their chores from a hat each week. If your children don’t have chores, it’s not too late to start. Hold a family meeting and explain that you need help to maintain the house and that effective immediately everyone is going to start pitching in.

Introduce chore charts and allowance/reward systems and explain to each child which chores they’ll be responsible for, when each chore needs to be completed and if necessary, how to do it. Be sure to have consequences ready for chores that aren’t done and explain them in advance. In our house, if one chore is neglected or refused, it’s a done deal - no allowance, no negotiations. It may take a few weeks to get your family in full swing, but it will come together - I promise.

You are Mom, not Maid.

You can ask for help and get it! Your children may not thank you for it now, but later on it will pay off for them - and for you! Make housework a part of your children’s routine and make yourself less stressed. Sit down and supervise for awhile …you knew you had kids for a reason.

Teach the Work Ethic: What chores at what age?

If you believe that kids just naturally grow up demonstrating good frustration tolerance, perseverance, and self-discipline, think again. All of these character traits are learned — and must be taught by their parents. Want to guarantee that your kid will develop a good work ethic and not cut and run when the going gets tough? Here’s how to lead your child’s development into a responsible, self-sufficient adult.

Remember, perhaps not long ago, when you were anticipating your child’s birth? All the good thoughts poured in — how cute he would be, the selection of not-overused-yet-not-too-weird names you were considering, and how brilliant this offspring was destined to be. Okay, the baby is born, the nursery is decorated, you’ve finally figured out how to work the Diaper Genie, and little by little you even rediscover what sleep is.

As brand-new parents, you probably faced some child-rearing issues, such as whether the baby will be allowed to cuddle in your bed if he awakens and cries during the night, or maybe you talked over toilet training or preschool choices in your early parenting discussions.

So far, so good, but did the issue of how to foster your child’s work ethic happen to come up? You’re probably thinking “What, are you nuts? Let’s just get through this baby and toddler thing before we tackle that!” Most parents are so absorbed with getting through the day sane and in one piece that it’s difficult to focus on something as nebulous as the work ethic.
 
The fact is, many folks either assume that the kid will naturally develop the ability to work hard, tolerate frustrating circumstances, and develop adequate self-control, or they flat-out don’t even think about it. But I can’t be emphatic enough — don’t put this off any longer!

Daily in my clinical practice I see parents who have made the mistake of not taking the time and attention to teach their children to be workers and achievers. These kids have learned to settle for less rather than to face and challenge adversity, to become whiners rather than creative problem solvers, and to blame others for perceived slights and lack of success.

This is seen in their shoddy schoolwork, inconsistent chore and task completion, and general irresponsibility. Trying to get Junior to complete his homework or to clean up his room becomes a major hassle, often resulting in a daily family drama including Mom’s nagging and Dad’s reprimands. “Where did we go wrong?” is heard as a chorus of laments when folks finally realize that their kids’ ability to tackle adversity, to postpone immediate gratification, and to work hard for what they desire has not occurred. Sadly, these are kids who often equate wanting with getting.

How to avoid this dilemma (or reverse it if it has already become habit) revolves around your own attitude toward work and issues of reward and entitlement. If your folks tended to give to you unconditionally (you didn’t have to earn your privileges or unnecessary possessions), then perhaps you’re raising your kids in the same manner. On the other hand, perhaps you grew up in a home where money was tight and you had to make do with very little. Often parents who felt deprived as children themselves vow to give their own kids as much as they can, not wanting them to be teased by peers for worn or out-of-style clothes. Not only does your son feel on top of the world when you purchase his first car for him, but you’re proud that you’ve provided for him in a way that even your own folks couldn’t. At least he won’t be riding the bus to school, having to sit with a bunch of freshmen and sophomores during his senior year!

Although your intentions may be noble, the result is often disastrous. And it’s often the kid who is the one who pays in the long run. Children who are raised with a feeling of entitlement — that the world revolves around them and that they are exempt from doing chores and taking responsibility — often grow to be adults who are bitter and resentful.

Why? Didn’t their parents provide everything for them? Yes and no. They provided and gave too much in one sense — too many freedoms, privileges, and things. Yet they didn’t provide enough of the building blocks of the work ethic — teaching the child to postpone gratification by saving up her own money, confirming that wanting is different from needing, and that success and achievement are based on facing challenges and persevering.

You have to realize that even if you keep catering to your child’s whims, the real world certainly isn’t going to. And he’ll begin to feel the sting of that reality as he butts heads with peers who won’t cave in to his tantrums on the playground, or teachers who can’t be talked into forgiving incomplete homework just because of his adorable dimples.

Your home truly is the training ground for the playground, the classroom, and the workplace. The expectations that you demand will set the stage for how well your child adjusts to the expectations outside of the home. By teaching your kids to deal with frustrations appropriately, perhaps by having them share the financial responsibility for buying sneakers that are beyond your means or your good judgment, they learn that they must contribute in order to receive. That’s the essence of the behavior-consequence connection, the lesson that you get what you earn.

Treating a kid to unnecessarily expensive sneakers without the child chipping in (even if you can afford them) sends the wrong message — that what you want, you get, even if what you want is unreasonable or even if you haven’t earned it.

No one is born with the work ethic. Study after study has shown that perseverance, self-discipline, and frustration tolerance — the bases of a solid work ethic — are learned, not innate. There’s no passing the buck here, blaming your child’s procrastination or feeling of entitlement on your partner’s or Grandma’s genetic makeup just won’t cut it. It’s up to you, the parent, to instill the difference between wanting and getting, and to teach your child to postpone gratification in order to accomplish and succeed later as an adult.

Reasonable Expectations by Developmental Stage

Two-Year-Olds Between 24 and 36 months of age, your child develops the ability to handle many behavioral responsibilities. Use a timer to motivate your child to clean up specific toys and put them back in their proper place before the buzzer goes off. Make chore completion fun and be sure to help out, modeling the good behavior yourself. Be careful at the grocery store that you don’t cave in and buy a toy that your little one puts into the cart — that’s an easy habit to start and a difficult one to get rid of!

Three-Year-Olds Between 3 and 4 years of age children are able to perform daily chores such as putting dirty clothes in a hamper (you may want to play beat-the-buzzer or dunk-the-basketball to get them moving on this) and helping you to make their beds. Threes can fill pet bowls, pull up their own elastic-waist pants and skirts, and brush their teeth with your guidance. Praise your child for a good effort — little ones thrive on positive attention, and they don’t need constant treats to motivate a good performance.

Four-Year-Olds Fours continue to be able to complete chore responsibilities such as putting their dirty dishes on the counter or clothes in the hamper, giving the dog water or food, washing themselves in the bath with your supervision, brushing their teeth with your guidance, and picking out their clothes for the next day. Remember to thank them for their help and note that because the child was quick to get ready in the morning, there’s now time to play a word game before leaving for preschool.

Early Grade Schoolers

Fives can prepare themselves for kindergarten in the morning (getting clothes out, etc.) and work 15 minutes at a time on letters, dot-to-dots, and other pre-academic tasks. Fives are able to help to make their own simple lunches, dress themselves, and begin to learn to tie their shoes. They can also begin to help younger siblings with dressing and other tasks. These children can help clean up after their baths (hanging up the towel, putting dirty clothes in the hamper), as well as making their own beds.

Six- and 7-year-olds can work cooperatively with you on homework as well as doing some of it themselves. They can put their clean clothes in the correct drawers or hang them up in the closet, pick up their bedroom daily, and meet deadlines for baths and bedtime.

Early grade schoolers can be expected to brush their teeth by themselves, answer the telephone, and respond politely when spoken to. They can help with dinner chores and take out their own articles from the car each day and put them away. Many early grade schoolers can set their alarm clocks (with adult supervision) and wake up by the alarm in the morning (again, with your guidance).

Be careful not to buy on impulse or demand for your early grade schooler. Begin an allowance system and teach them to have goals. Let them see how close they are to earning a new action figure or video game.

Encourage waiting and saving.

Older Grade Schoolers Eight-, 9-, 10-, and 11-year-olds can continue with self-hygiene chores and be totally responsible for getting ready for school. Although they will need help and guidance with homework, they can do much of it on their own. These kids can bring in the mail and take out and bring in the trashcans. They can be expected to keep their rooms clean and to help out with family chores such as dusting, straightening the family and play rooms, and helping to put away laundry other than their own. Setting and clearing the table are appropriate responsibilities, as are pet chores. I

nstead of giving these kids toys, treats, or possessions when demanded, have them learn to save their allowances for purchases. Teach them to buy on sale and to budget. Have them wait a few days before impulsively making a purchase — let them see that they may change their mind and be glad that they saved their money. Have them contribute at times to the rental fee for a video game or movie. Start a bank account and show them how to balance it each month.

Middle Schoolers

Twelve-, 13- and 14-year-olds are quite capable of helping out with just about everything around the house. They can cook, help clean, do yard work, and wash the car. They can be totally responsible for doing their own laundry.

Encourage babysitting younger siblings and doing pet chores. Watch out that you are not doing too much for them, as they will continue to be “helpless” if you allow that. Self-esteem is largely based in accomplishment, and kids who “do” feel good about themselves. Encourage an allowance system for purchases such as CDs, video games, and movies.

Kids this age can be placed on a clothing allowance system — which teaches budgeting and planning ahead. They’ll learn that “wanting” doesn’t always lead to “getting” — a great lesson to learn at this time in life.

High Schoolers

Teens can be very self-sufficient — taking care of their own laundry, ironing, helping with dinner preparation and clearing, as well as watching younger siblings. If your teen is driving a car, have her chip in for auto insurance or gas, especially if she has a paying job. Encourage her to volunteer and to help with family chores, not just her own. If she has a paying job, eliminate the allowance, but you may still have to chip in for clothing purchases. Set a limit on what you think is reasonable, and if she has extravagant tastes, let her take up the slack and put in the difference from her own savings.

Don’t cave in and allow privileges or freedoms that you feel uncomfortable with just because she nags you — stand your ground if you feel that her requests are inappropriate. Remember, she’s learning the work ethic and frustration tolerance — skills that will serve her well as an adult!

Living the Law

How do you set the scene for building a good work ethic? Consider the following suggestions. Don’t be a peace-at-any-price parent. Giving in to your child’s whines and fusses just to keep the complaining down to a dull roar only hurts both of you. Ask yourself, “If I give in and let my preschooler get away with neglecting to feed the cat, what am I teaching him?” Remember — not doing something about inappropriate behavior is still making a statement, perhaps a lesson that you don’t really mean to teach.

Set up expectations for each of your children.

Make them clear and reasonable, and check to be sure that the kids follow through. If they don’t, set up consistent consequences that matter to your kids so that they are more apt to complete the chores or expectations in the future. Raise the bar. As your kids mature, expect more. Most parents don’t realize how much kids can really do, especially little ones. We tend to think of our children as helpless, and, believe me, they will not try to change that perception!

Preschoolers who have the dexterity and strength to pull toys out of toy boxes have the ability to put the toys back in. They just may not have the motivation to do so! And that’s where you come in — by modeling the toy cleanup process, playing beat-the-buzzer to complete a chore in a fun way, or holding off on a treat until the toys are back in the box. Your kid will soon get the message if you stick to your guns. And expect more initiative and quality as your children grow.

You shouldn’t have to remind your daughter at 8 years of age to make her bed — she knows that it has to be accomplished before coming to breakfast, but again, only if you set the rule and stick to it.

By the teen years, kids can do just about any job that you can around the house, plus they have more time and energy. Expect more and you’ll get more! Consider schoolwork and homework as part of the foundation for a good work ethic.

Sure, your son may not be enthralled with his math homework, but he should do it without a hassle, in a timely manner, and correctly. I’m not suggesting perfection by any means, but a good, solid effort and organization are reasonable to expect when it comes to school responsibilities. Be especially careful with a smart kid who gets by easily. Often children who are very bright find that they can succeed in school with very little effort. Challenge such a child by placing him in advanced programs if possible, or provide creative work for him yourself.

Gifted, unmotivated children often find it difficult to rise to the occasion when they find themselves in truly challenging situations later in life. And because they haven’t had to work hard for their accomplishments, they often give up easily when frustrated.

Start chores and responsibilities early in life.

It’s much easier to begin a good habit with a 3-year-old than to break a bad habit with a 13-year-old. Decide whether your child should receive an allowance for performing his chores. Should the allowance be given for completing everyday items (picking up his room, putting away his laundry) or should it be for “extras” such as washing the car or the windows?
This is an individual family decision that should be based upon what you believe teaches the best lessons to your kids.

Encourage volunteering.

Studies resoundingly confirm that helping others — reading to the elderly in a nursing home, babysitting children at Sunday school, or serving food at a local soup kitchen — not only benefits others but develops a sense of pride in the volunteer. Help your teen to land a paying job when the time is right. In considering jobs, be sure that the workplace is a safe environment and that the job doesn’t interfere with his school or homework responsibilities. Discuss how he is to handle his salary — putting some away for future purchases or responsibilities (car insurance), while keeping some for weekly spending money. When a teen receives a salary, the allowance is usually no longer necessary.

Model a positive work attitude yourself.

If you work within the home, show pride in your accomplishments and how you provide a nice environment for your family. If you work outside the home, share your experiences, opportunities, and insights with your kids. Let them see that a career is not just work, it’s an opportunity to grow, to access financial stability, to meet and make friends, and is an interesting place to be. Let your kids see that just because you want something, you don’t necessarily get it. Share with them the pros and cons about buying something on credit versus saving and purchasing it with cash in the future. Learn to tolerate the frustration of postponing your own gratification, and your kids will follow suit.