Tom and Julia dropped off their daughter, Beth, for counseling. Beth was 17, defiant and rebellious. Tom and Julia suspected that Beth was hanging out with a peer group that drank alcohol and experimented with drugs. Beth’s grades had dropped from Bs to Cs. As Tom and Julia described the situation, they were very clear to the counselor that if Beth didn’t make a complete change in attitude very quickly, they were going to throw her out of the house when she turned 18, four months from now, and would refuse to pay for her college education. They were also very clear that they saw no need for family sessions. They said that since this was “Beth’s problem,” they had no reason to consider making any changes themselves. Meanwhile, Beth was very angry and scared, and had come to the conclusion that she would have to make it on her own.
Sharon and Bill were both the grown youngest children of large families. They came to the counselor because they felt that their seven year old son, Tommy, needed to be administered Ritalin because they believed that Tommy had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Tommy was defiant and refused to follow any rules around the home. Tommy was of average intelligence and got Bs in school, although his teacher said that he often tested the rules and at times was defiant at school too. Both Sharon and Bill were at wits end about what to do with Tommy and were very stressed about the situation. Bill generally deferred discipline matters to Sharon. Sharon did set some rules, but tended to bend them when convenient. Sharon had read a magazine article about ADHD, and decided that this was Tommy’s problem. When the counselor asked why they didn’t bring Tommy along for the session, they both explained that Tommy had simply refused to come and that because Tommy was so defiant it was just a lot easier not to bring him.
Both of these families have much in common, including the overwhelming sense of powerlessness experienced by the parents. Being a parent is both the most difficult and the most important job in existence. Yet where do parents learn to be parents?
Parents often feel that they have no alternatives to patterns of behavior which are causing distress. Parents repeat dysfunctional patterns learned from their own families of origin. We can argue that many of the problems we have today, including crime, violence and addiction, stem from poor parenting. It is frightening that so many parents feel so powerless and so many children are on medications to help control their behavior. Parents need to learn skills to help them cope with the difficulties of being parents and be empowered to use them.
Developmental psychologists have long been interested in how parents impact child development. However, finding actual cause-and-effect links between specific actions of parents and later behavior of children is very difficult. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities. Conversely, children who share a home and are raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities than one another.
Researchers eventually discovered convincing links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. During the early 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children (Baumrind, 1967). Using naturalistic observation, parental interviews and other research methods, she identified four important dimensions of parenting:
(1) Disciplinary strategies;
(2) Warmth and nurturance;
(3) Communication styles;
(4) Expectations of maturity and control
Based on these dimensions, Baumrind suggested that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles. Further research by also suggested the addition of a fourth parenting style (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).
1. Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents tend to expect and demand absolute obedience from their children. Love is conditional and there is little freedom to grow up to be a fully functioning autonomous adult. In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment.. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, "Because I said so."
These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents "are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation" (1991).
Children reared with authoritarian parents tend to be moody, unhappy, unfriendly and vulnerable to stress. Many parents don’t want to be authoritarian and make the mistake of jumping to the opposite extreme: permissive parenting.
2. Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, place a high value on the child’s right to make choices and decisions. Permissive parents have very few demands to make of their children and rarely require their children to conform to standards.
These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control.
Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent. According to Baumrind, permissive parents "are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation" (1991).
I often see these families in therapy. Their children are often rebellious, domineering and are low achievers. The parents intended to do the best for their children, and really thought that what they did was a helpful antithesis to authoritarian parenting. But now the parents cannot cope with the behavioral problems of their children, who really seem to be running the family. The parents feel powerless, as do the children.
3. Uninvolved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life. Uninvolved parents often ignore their children, letting them do what they please as long as they don’t interfere with the parent’s activities. These children are often loners, withdrawn and low achievers. Parental narcissism precludes their ability to really care for their children. Often parents are either addicted to a substance, such as alcohol or drugs, or to a behavior, such as work.
In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children. Rejecting parents do not pay much attention to their children’s needs and seldom even have expectations regarding how children should behave. As a result, children from these families are immature and tend to have severe symptoms. I often see families of this sort when there already is severe pathology or addiction evident in at least one or both parents.
Parents who embody either the rejecting or uninvolved model have little closeness with their children and either too much flexibility, in the case of uninvolved parents, or complete inflexibility, as in the case of rejecting parents.
4. Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is primarily loving even though structured, firm and consistent. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents "monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct.
Authoritative parents are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. Authoritative parents want their children to be assertive, as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" (1991). These parents use a combination of rewards for good behavior as well as consequences for bad behavior in order to channel their children to develop as fully functioning, autonomous adults.
Authoritative parents model a balanced approach to parenting. Parents who embody this model are flexible enough to allow their children to have their own ideas and points of view, while at the same time are able to enforce what’s best for the child. While it is not easy to enforce limits with children, authoritative parents are able to do this in a caring and loving manner which builds cohesion and healthy interdependence within a family system.
Authoritative parents establish clear rules and expectations in partnership with their children and discuss them together. They use reason and power to enforce their ideas, while still acknowledging the children’s point of view. These parents set clear boundaries and limits and maintain them.
Children raised in this environment tend to be self-reliant, cheerful, cope well with stress, and tend to be achievement oriented. They have high self esteem and social skills, because their parents also have high self esteem and social skills.
Parenting Style and Child Development Outcomes
What effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes? In addition to Baumrind's initial study of 100 preschool children, researchers have conducted numerous other studies than have led to a number of conclusions about the impact of parenting styles on children.
• Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.
• Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).
• Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.
• Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains.
These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.
After learning about the impact of parenting styles on child development, you may wonder why all parents simply don't utilize an authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children. What are some reasons why parenting styles might vary? Some potential causes of these differences include culture, personality, family size, parental background, socioeconomic status, educational level and religion.
Of course, the parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each and every family. For example, the mother may display an authoritative style while the father favors a more permissive approach. In order to create a cohesive and consistent approach to parenting, it is essential that parents learn to cooperate as they combine various elements of their unique parenting styles.
All people and all family systems have problems and dynamic patterns which sometimes cause difficulties. Cutting through denial, and being willing to change are necessary conditions for change to take place. Opportunities must also be offered to teach and facilitate healthy parenting. Church and Sunday school attendance, family therapy, parenting classes, parenting books and support groups are great places to start building skills to shape future generations.
References
Baumrind, D. (1967). Child-care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43-88.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen & E. M. Hetherington, Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed.). New York: Wiley.
Maccoby, E.E. (1992). The role of parents in the socialization of children: An historical overview. Developmental Psychology, 28, 1006-1017.
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