"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W. Ziege
Difficulty with being assertive has stereotypically been a challenge typically ascribed to women. However, research on violence and men's roles demonstrated that many physical fights result from poor communication which then escalates into larger conflicts. Many men feel powerless in the face of aggressive communication from men or women in their lives; conversely, passivity in some situations can arouse frustration and anger for many men. As such, assertiveness can be an effective tool for men who are seeking to proactively alleviate violence in their lives, as well as a tool for fostering healthier, more satisfying lives.
Sociologists and mental health professionals are finding that assertiveness is usually displayed in certain circumstances. That is, assertiveness is not a personality trait which persists consistently across all situations. Different individuals exhibit varying degrees of assertive behavior depending on whether they are in a work, social, academic, recreational or relationship context. Therefore, a goal for assertiveness training is to maximize the number of context in which an individual is able to communicate assertively.
The following model of assertiveness training is based on the work of Dr. Manuel Smith, author of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Smith indicates that assertiveness training is based on a two-level approach. There is a set of new verbal skills to learn as well as a new philosophy or way of thinking about situations to adopt. The verbal skills are presented in the training. It is important to get lots of practice in safe situations in order to learn them. Smith’s philosophy is evident in the “Bill of Assertive Rights.”
A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for the initiation and consequences upon yourself.
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
You have the right to change your mind.
You have the right to make mistakes-and be responsible for them.
You have the right to say, “I don't know.”
You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
You have the right to say, “I don't Understand.”
You have the right to say, “I don't care.”
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY
When Fiorello LaGuardia was mayor of New York City (1933-1945), he hung this statement by ABRAHAM LINCOLN above his desk at City Hall:
”If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how—the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.”
A. Lincoln
Fiorello Henry LaGuardia
Four behavioral choices
There are four communications styles you can choose from in order to communicate with others. These communication styles are important to understand and identify before learning assertiveness skills. Being able to label what is going on within your communication with others gives perspective and may help you decide what to do differently.
This type of communication is characterized by a low-energy level. A non-assertive person is one who is often taken advantage of, feels helpless, takes on everyone's problems, says yes to inappropriate demands and thoughtless requests, and allows others to choose for him or her.
The basic message he/she sends is "I'm not OK." The non-assertive person is emotionally dishonest, indirect, self-denying, and inhibited. He feels hurt, anxious, and possibly angry about his actions. His body posture may include lowered eyelids and little or no eye contact, as well as swaying and shifting of weight from one foot to the other. The person may whine frequently, hesitate when speaking or have a tone of voice which is usually quiet and likely lack an air of confidence.
However, this person may also display sudden explosions when he realizes that he has let himself be pushed too far for too long.
Normally, the passive person may respond to questions with “I don't know (sigh),” “I’ll do whatever you want to do,” “It doesn't matter.”
When dealing with such a person, others may feel guilty for getting their own way so often or feel very burdened and responsible for all of the decision-making.
2. Aggressive - direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
This communication style is characterized by a high output of energy. The person's body posture may have an overbearing quality to it. This person may season the conversation by physically leaning forward into the discussion, may display a loud tone of voice, direct, glaring eye contact, point a finger at those to whom he is speaking, shout, clench his fists, put his hands on his hips or wag his head. The aggressive person may interrupt and will typically not ask for your ideas or opinions.
Others may feel timid and helpless when in a discussion with an aggressive person. If you find yourself holding back on expressing yourself because you don't feel safe doing so you are likely dealing with an aggressive person. An aggressive person is one who wins by using power, hurts others, is intimidating, controls the environment to suit his needs, and chooses for others. An aggressive says, "You're not OK." He is inappropriately expressive, emotionally honest, direct, and self-enhancing at the expense of another. An aggressive person feels righteous, superior, deprecatory at the time of action and possibly guilty later. But remember: ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT ONLY A MATTER OF WHAT YOU SAY, BUT ALSO A FUNCTION OF HOW YOU SAY IT!
This communication style is characterized by indirectness. The body posture may include any stance that could be described as nice, quiet, or sly. This is a very destructive communication style and it's often hard to identify. One indicator is sarcasm, which often leaves you confused about which was the real message: (1) the funny one; or (2) the serious comment.
Sarcasm (which is an English word derived from two Greek words which literally mean the cutting of flesh - indirect anger) often seems like a safe way to express anger because it catches the other person off guard.
Another indicator of passive-aggressive communication is the mixed message. "I love your skirt, it hides your big hips." On hearing that statement you usually end up smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. If you find yourself confused, insecure or resentful, you may be communicating with a passive-aggressive individual.
The most common alternative to assertive communication as an approach to getting what you want is manipulation. Manipulation has a bad reputation, but it is used a lot. You may wish to listen for manipulative maneuvers in conversations, learn them, and even practice them so you can then identify when it's being done to you or when you are doing it! Next time you want someone to do something for you use absolutes. “You never give me anything,” or “"you should do that for me.” These are stock manipulative phrases. Or, if you don't want someone to do what they are planning, try, "you always get to do what you want to do." This is a great show-stopper because it puts the other person on the defensive and they get so busy trying to prove to you that they haven't always done it that they forget about their original intentions. So you get your way, but you also get a truckload of bad feelings and ill will to go with it. Trying to prove yourself right and the other person wrong is another great manipulative ploy. Now, the tricky thing about manipulation is that it usually works to get you what you want. However, there's a price to pay and that is that it invalidates what you get. The mother who manipulates her adult children into spending Sunday with her usually spends the time together worrying that they're only with her because she "forced" them to be. As with the communication styles, manipulation is not all bad. Sometimes it is benign and works quite well for both parties. Sensitivity to the situation and intent will serve to guide you as to when it can be used harmlessly.
Now a word about identifying when you are being manipulated. Often you will feel a body sensation like a tightness or sinking feeling in your stomach. Some people grit and grind their teeth in response to manipulation. When pushed, people will often speak of a vague sense of anger but have a hard time justifying why they might be angry. Next time you find yourself with these symptoms, stop and check for manipulation. Please take some time to practice exaggerating manipulation so you get a good handle on it. Also, keep your eyes and ears open for the subtle and not so subtle ways in which others manipulate. There's lots to be learned!
4. Assertive - assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous
An assertive person is one who acts in his own best interests, stands up for self, expresses feelings honestly, is in charge of self in interpersonal relations, and chooses for self. The basic message sent from an assertive person is "I'm OK and you're OK." An assertive person is emotionally honest, direct, self-enhancing, and expressive. He feels confident, self-respecting at the time of his/her actions as well as later.
Assertive communication is characterized by a direct, straightforward approach to others. The body stance is strong and flexible. It includes eye contact and a confident tone of voice. This person expresses himself, listens, and does not always get what he wants. An assertive person is aware that a workable compromise or a win-win solution will be the best result for both in the long run. Saying yes and no, knowing what you want, and setting realistic limits are taking responsibility.
Being in the company of an assertive person may seem threatening at first, and it can work out to be a satisfying way of communicating. (Please note that there are distinct differences between aggressive and assertive behaviors!) An assertive person stands straight, steady, and directly faces the people to whom they are speaking while maintaining eye contact. They speak in a clear, steady voice - loud enough for the people to whom they are speaking to hear them. They speak fluently, without hesitation, and with assurance and confidence.
Now, obviously, these four styles of communicating are not all bad or all good. For example, an aggressive person can be an asset to your work group and an exciting person to be around. So much depends on the intent of that person and whether or not their communication style is an appropriate fit for the situation at hand. Now, once you have practiced and watched for these four communication styles in your daily life, you have placed a good cornerstone for assertiveness training.
How To Improve the Communication Process
1. Active listening: reflecting back (paraphrasing) to the other person both words and feelings expressed by that person.
2. Identifying your position: stating your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
3. Exploring alternative solutions: brainstorming other possibilities; rating the pros and cons; ranking the possible solutions.
4. Making simple requests:You have a right to make your wants known to others. You deny your own importance when you do not ask for what you want. The best way to get exactly what you want is to ask for it directly. Indirect ways of asking for what you want may not be understood or noticed. Your request is more likely to be understood when you use assertive body language. Asking for what you want is a skill that can be learned. Directly asking for what you want can become a habit with many pleasant rewards.
5, Refusing requests:You have a right to say NO! You deny your own importance when you say yes and you really mean no. Saying no does not imply that you reject another person; you are simply refusing a request. When saying no, it is important to be direct, concise, and to the point. If you really mean to say no, do not be swayed by pleading, begging, cajoling, compliments, or other forms of manipulation. You may offer reasons for your refusal, but don't get carried away with numerous excuses. A simple apology is adequate; excessive apologies can be offensive. Demonstrate assertive body language. Saying no is a skill that can be learned. Saying no and not feeling guilty about it can become a habit that can be very growth enhancing.
6. Assertive Ways of Saying "No":Basic principles to follow in answers: brevity, clarity, firmness, and honesty. Begin your answer with the word "NO" so it is not ambiguous. Make your answer short and to the point. Don't give a long explanation. Be honest, direct and firm. Don't say, "I'm sorry, but..."
7. Steps in Learning to Say "No": Ask yourself, "Is the request reasonable?" Hedging, hesitating, feeling cornered, and nervousness or tightness in your body are all clues that you want to say NO or that you need more information before deciding to answer. Assert your right to ask for more information and for clarification before you answer. Once you understand the request and decide you do not want to do it, say NO firmly and calmly. Learn to say NO without saying, "I'm sorry, but..."
8. What is assertive communication? Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.
So why use assertive communication? All of us use assertive behavior at times. Quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behavior. Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behavior. It enables us to swap old behavior patterns for a more positive approach to life. Changing responses to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even family) can be exciting and stimulating.
The advantages of assertive communication: It helps us feel good about ourselves and others] It leads to the development of mutual respect with others; It increases our self-esteem; It helps us achieve our goals; It minimizes hurting and alienating other people; It reduces anxiety; It protects us from being taken advantage of by others; It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life; It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative.
There are, of course,.disadvantages to assertive communication: Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.
What assertive communication is not: Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle! It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It's definitely NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it's NOT being aggressive. But it IS about choice
Six main characteristics of assertive communication:
2. Body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis;
3. Voice: a well modulated level and tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating;
4. Timing: use your judgment to maximize receptivity and impact content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than the exact words you say;
5. The importance of "I" statements Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behavior, identifies the effect of behavior, are direct and honest, and contribute to the growth of your relationship with each other.
6. Strong "I" statements have three specific elements: Behavior; Feeling; and Tangible effect (consequence to you) Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."
Nine techniques for assertive communication:
1. Behavior Rehearsal
Behavior Rehearsal: which is literally practicing how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behavior you wish to confront.
2. Persistence - Repeated Assertion, also known as "the 'broken record"
"Broken Record" allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.
We usually do not get what we want because we give up too soon on asking for what we want. Or we can get sidetracked into defending or justifying our position. Persistence or broken record proposes that getting what you want is a numbers, game. If your child asks you for a candy bar 5 times, then you can say no 6 times.
The key to doing this is to stay unemotional and repeat a stock phrase. An example of this is "I understand and I'm not interested," or “I understand and I still want…” Having a standard phrase protects you from getting side-tracked and helps you stay low-key while repeating your response. It does seem awkward but using a standard phrase at first facilitates your learning when habit and the emotional stakes are high. Expect that the other person will resist you and try even harder when you first start to change. If you do continue with your newly acquired persistence, then they will soon learn that you mean what you say and that you don’t give up.
Persistence often works best in commercial situations. It is also useful in close relationships when combined with other assertiveness skills. The foundation for persistence is knowing what you want. The alternative to persistence is to withdraw or to escalate the conversation into a battle of wills. Take some time to practice persistence or “broken record.” Example: "I would like to show you some of our products" "No thank you, I'm not interested" "I really have a great range to offer you" "That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment" "Is there someone else here who would be interested?" "I don't want any of these products" "Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?" "Yes, I will take a brochure" "Thank you" "You're welcome"
3. Dealing with criticism: "Fogging"
"Fogging" gives you a way to defuse criticism. This technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions."
Fogging is based on agreeing with your critic like a fog bank. You will begin to look on criticism as feedback and "only one person's opinion." You are the ultimate judge of your own behavior.
We usually respond to criticism by experiencing self-doubt, denial, defensiveness, escalating into an argument, and counter-criticizing. These responses create a vicious cycle and we feel nervous, angry, or guilty. Fogging is a new tool in which you agree with your critic but you agree with the possibility or probability that what they say is true. You aren’t saying that they are right. You are saying" that the odds are that what they are saying could be correct at some time or somewhere in this universe. Anything could happen once, right? You remain calm. Fogging allows you to unhook from criticism on a gut level and to listen. At the same time fogging allows the other person to feel heard. By fogging you also exhaust your critic. It takes more energy than most people have to continue criticizing someone who won't react. Stock phrases to use in fogging are: "That could be true...," "You’re probably right...," "Sometimes I think so myself:
Remember that criticism is difficult for all of us, so get ready to put in lots of practice to learn fogging and the other skills to deal with criticism. Start by having someone criticize you repeatedly on some secure area of your life such as appearance, cooking or driving. Do not pick a sensitive area of your life, or you will be courting disaster. Practice fogging in safe areas first and move into working with more difficult topics or people once you have over-learned your new skills. Learning in this graduated manner teaches you that the skills do work and that you can feel in control in the face of criticism.
4. Dealing with criticism in intimate relationships: "Negative Inquiry."
Negative Inquiry is an assertiveness skill used to deal with criticism in intimate relationships. This technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe that I am not interested?" You do exactly the opposite of what you naturally feel like doing in the face of criticism - you ask for more negatives! Some stock phrases to help you do this are, "What is it about that that bothers you?" or "Tell me more about what it is that you don't like."
Once again you attempt to exhaust your critic by pumping him for more negatives. This skill is great for smoking out the real issue that is bothering this person that is in a close relationship with you. For instance your spouse may complain about your being too much of a "company person" when the real issue is that he wants to spend more personal time with you. The skill of negative inquiry can help you reach this understanding of the problem. Then the job of the two of you is to negotiate for a workable compromise or a win-win solution. This means that both of your needs and limitations have been considered and that each gets as much as possible of what they want. Here is where knowing what you want and persistence can be used in a positive way. So your role when using negative inquiry is to ask for more negatives and to listen (not agree). Try to define and agree on a problem as a result of your listening. This does not mean that you are a problem, but maybe that a behavior of yours is coming into conflict with something that your partner needs or wants. Practice, practice and more practice will help you learn this skill. Remember to start out in safe situations and build from there. Fogging and negative inquiry blend well but are better learned as separate skills at first.
5. Negative Assertion
Use negative assertion to agree with your critic when the criticism is valid. For instance, "You’re really stupid!" Your response might be, "That’s true, losing my plane ticket to Brazil was REALLY stupid. I agree." This response unhooks you from the criticism by being specific and limiting the scope of the criticism. Agreeing also defuses the critical moment so that the situation will net escalate. You remain in control and the ultimate judge of your own behavior. You can allow yourself to make mistakes. Congratulations! Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologies. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."
6. Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It's application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others. There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.
7. Workable Compromise
When you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"
8. Disagreeing with Criticism
You have a right to disagree with criticism based on facts. For instance, your apartment manager calls to complain that you blasted your stereo after 11 P.M. the previous evening. Your response might be, “I have to disagree, I was in bed asleep by 10 PM. Please double-check your complaint and let me know what happens.”
9. Praise
People who have difficulty with criticism often have difficulty with praise. We usually react to praise by denying it or by false praise in return. Either way it becomes uncomfortable for both parties involved. Next time try, "Thank you." Once you have had some practice on that, try asking for praise the next time you do the dishes or take the garbage out. Other times when praise is a problem are when you disagree with the praise, when you sense that the praise may be false flattery intended to get something from you, or when the praise is so vague that you get nervous about how or what to repeat for a positive response. "Whew! Now let's find workable responses to each of these problems." If you disagree with the praise simply say, "I appreciate the compliment and this report is not up to my personal standards." If you sense the false flattery, say thank you and watch for a feeling of obligation on your part when the praise is followed by a request. You can accept the praise and reject the request. “Thank you for the compliment and no I don't care to lend you $50.” Finally, if you find yourself nervous and tense after receiving vague praise, ask for more specific praise. “What is it about that presentation that YOU liked?” Don't worry about being accused of fishing for compliments. You are trying to get specific feedback. Praise is scarce and criticism is rampant in our daily interactions with ourselves and others. Try a little "positive assertion" and see if you feel differently. Compliment yourself on the things that you have done. Give others positive comments about the work they have done.
References When I Say No, I Feel Guilty; Manuel Smith, Ph.D. Your Perfect Right; Alberti & Emmons
