Makes in us the Characteristics of the dialogical person
Changes the meaning of experience
Enables us to see that life situations have now possibilities,
Helps us see the comprehensive character of truth.
Crazymakers
What's your conflict style? To give you a better idea of some unproductive ways you may be handling your conflicts, we'll describe some typical conflict behaviors that can weaken relationships.
Barriers to Communication in Conflict
The Avolder ‑ The avoider refuses to fight. When a conflict arises, he'll leave, fall asleep, pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem In some other way. This behavior makes it very difficult for the partner to express his feelings of anger, hurt, etc., because the avoider won't fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won't even put up his gloves.
The Pseudoaccommodator,‑ The pseudoaccommodator refuses to face up to a conflict either by giving in or by pretending that there's nothing at all wrong. This really drives the partner, who definitely feels there's a problem, crazy and causes him to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodator.
The Guilt Maker ‑ Instead of saying straight out that she doesn't want or approve of something, the guilt maker tries to change her partner's behavior by making him feel responsible for causing pain. The guilt maker's favorite line is "It's O.K. don't worry about me..." accompanied by a big sigh.
The Subject Changer ‑ Really a type of avoider, the subject changer escapes facing up to aggression by shifting the conversation whenever It approaches an area of conflict. Because of his tactics the subject changer and his partner never have the chance to explore their problem and do something about it.
The Distracter ‑ Rather than come out and express his feelings about the object of his dissatisfaction, the distracter attacks other parts of his partner's life. Thus he never has to share what's really on his mind and can avoid dealing with painful parts of his relationship.
The Mind Reader ‑ Instead of allowing her partner to express his feelings honestly, the mind reader goes Into character analysis, explaining what the other person really means or what's wrong with the other person. By behaving this way, the mind reader refuses to handle her own feelings and leaves no room for her partner to express himself.
The Trapper ‑ The trapper plays an especially dirty trick by setting up a desired behavior for the partner, and then when it's met, attacking the very thing requested. An example of this technique is for the trapper to say "Let's be totally honest with each other,," and then when the partner shares feelings, be./she is attacked for having feelings that the trapper doesn't went to accept.
The Crisis Tickler ‑ This person almost brings what's bothering him to the surface, but he never quite comes out and expresses himself. instead of admitting his concern about the finances, he innocently asks "Gee, how much did that cost? dropping a rather obvious hint but never really dealing with the crisis.
The Gunnysacker ‑ This person doesn't respond immediately when he's angry. Instead, he puts his resentment into his gunnysack, which after a while begins to bulge with large and small gripes. Then, when the sack Is about to burst, the gunnysacker pours out all his pent‑up aggressions on the overwhelmed and unuspecting victim.
The Trivial Tyrannizer‑ Instead of honestly sharing his resentments, the trivial tyrannizer does things he knows will get his partner's goat ‑ leaving dirty dishes in the sink, clipping his fingernails in bed, belching out loud, turning up the television too loud, and so on.
The Joker ‑ Because she's afraid to face conflicts squarely, the joker kids around when her partner wants to be serious, thus blocking the expression of important feelings.
The Beltliner ‑ Everyone has a psychological "beltline," and below It are subjects too sensitive to be approached without damaging the relationship. Beltlines may have to do with physical characteristics, intelligence, past behavior, or deeply ingrained personality traits a person Is trying to overcome. In an attempt to "get even" or hurt his partner, the beltliner will use his intimate knowledge to hit below the belt, where he knows It will hurt.
The Blamer ‑ The blamer is more interested in finding fault than in solving a conflict. Needless to say, he usually doesn't blame himself. Blaming behavior almost never solves a conflict and is an almost surefire way to make the receiver defensive.
(Taken from Looking out/Looking 19, Interpersonal Communication, Second Edition, Ron Adler and Net] Towne; Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1978.)
ESSENTIALS FOR COMMNICATION
1. Time:In our world when loved ones are pulled in every direction by countless demands, it is essential that "sharing" time be slotted. For some couples this time will fall into place quite naturally; for others it may require deliberate planning.
Pick a mutually agreeable time that will be yours ‑ and protect it! (Having the same time from day‑to‑day can be helpful). This period of time should not be used for information exchange but for dialogue, which involves both thoughts and feelings. It is an opportunity to practice your love. (Note: Having such a structured and scheduled time to communicate may seem terribly artificial at first. That may comment more on our present state of communication rather than on the actual practice).
2. Listening ears and a listening heart
It almost seems too obvious to mention the importance of comprehending another's message. Yet, so often we fail to do just that. Whether we are distracted by the television, a toothache or a personal problem, so often we miss the content of a person's message. This brings us to an essential quality of communication. It is other‑centered. Attention is focused on the partner.
Still, even when the words of another are heard and understood, communication is not complete. A listening heart is also required.. With nearly every interaction of ours some emotions are expressed. That expression may be open and obvious or it may be more quietly hidden behind the words. In any case, a perception and understanding of those feelings is crucial for true communication. (Example: Hour late for dinner).
3. A willingness to risk/A readiness to accept
It has been said that one of the biggest fears of any human being is that of being found out and then rejected. It is a fear that has and continues to isolate people, one from another. It is a communication barrier not easily dismantled.
The fear of being discovered can be overcome by a partnership. First, a decision to risk rejection can lead one to share his true self ‑ his intimate self with another. That is complemented by the partner as she helps build an atmosphere of trust and respect ‑ rather than judgement and betrayal. (Example: Night light). (Feelings are neither right or wrong ‑ they are a precious gift when shared).
Postscript:These three "essentials" may not be exhaustive of all that is involved in communication. Here they are presented in ideal form ‑and may often be only partially recognizable in our relationships. Communication requires hard and constant work. But you can be sure that whenever our interactions become more than simple verbal exchanges, and communication occurs between unique persons, there these three will be present in some form.
Exercises in Communication
1.Reflect quietly on the present state of your communication as a
couple. (3‑5 minutes)
a) What are strengths
b) What are problem areas
Share as a couple. Practice listening for content and feelings. (2‑3 minutes each) Be aware of difference between thinking and feeling. (101 feel like this is going to go on all night." wrong. "I feel bored." ‑right) Reflect back what you've heard.
Set simple goal (s) for your communication. (3‑5 minutes) (Scheduled time, further study, practice giving attention, listening for feelings).
2.Spend 5 minutes communicating on each of the following. Be sure to listen for content and feelings. Refrain from interrupting the speaker. Remember communication is "other‑centered." Take a moment to evaluate how one another is listening.
1. Expectations of our marriage
2. Areas in which we have trouble communicating
3. My biggest concerns about getting married
3.Ten/Ten ‑ Describe your idea of a perfect day and the feelings special to such a day.
*Write for ten minutes; read one another's dialogue
John Powell ‑ The Secret of Staying In Love
Happy Day List
YOU REALLY MADE ME FEEL GREAT WHEN YOU. .
I REALLY FELT ACCEPTED WHEN YOU..
.
I KNEW WE HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU……..
ETC., ETC.,
Marriage Counseling Dialogue
1. 1 feel my marriage will be good because...
2. My major contribution to the marriage will be...
3. My partner's major contribution to the marriage will be...
4. The thing which I am mostconcerned about in my marriage is...
5. The meaning which the phrase "head of the household" has for me is
6. The role which my parents and in‑laws will play in our marriage is...
7. How long do you feel it will take to make a major adjustment in your marriage and why?
8. Therole and purpose of sex in our marriage will be...
9. 1 feel finances ought to be handled in our family by...
10. The role or support that I see the Church playing in our marriage is
AN EXERCISE IN COMUNICATION
Write out a personal comment or reaction to the following statements;
1.Communication involves both a "Transmitter" and a "Receiver."
2."Small talk" is communication.
3.Dialog means to "get into significant touch withsomeone."
4.Feelings and meanings have little to do with communication.
I
5.Agreement or disagreement is of second importance to
understanding.
6.Hearing and listening are the same thing.
7.Becoming real people involves sharing
8.Communication involves the "interchange of thoughts, opinions, and information."
TYPES OF NON‑LISTENING
Pseudolistening ‑ Pseudolistening is an imitation of the real thing. Goodpseudolistenersgive the appearance of being attentive: They look you In the eye, nod and smile at the right times, and even may answer you occasionally. Behind that appearance of Interest, however, something entirely different is going on, for pseudolisteners use a polite facade to mask thoughts that have nothing to do with what the speaker is saying. Often pseudolisteners ignore you because of something on their mind that's more Important to them than your remarks. Other times they may simply be bored, or think that they've heard what you have to say before, and so tune out your remarks. Whatever the reasons the significant fact is that pseudolistening Is reallycounterfeit communication.
Stage Hogging_‑ The Stage hogs are only interested in expressing their ideas and don't care about what anyone else has to say. These people will allow you to speak from time to time, but only so they can catch their breath, use your remarks as a basis for their own babbling, or to keep you from running away. Stage hogs really aren't having a conversation when they dominate others with their talk; they're making a speech and at the same time probably making an enemy.
Selective Listening ‑ Selective listeners respond only to the parts of our remarks that interest them, rejecting everything else. All of us are selective listeners from time to time, as for instance when we screen out radio commercials and music as we keep an ear cocked for a weather report or an announcement of the time. In other cases selective listening occurs in conversations with people who expect a thorough hearing, but only get their partner's attention when the subject turns to their favorite topic ‑perhaps money, sex, a hobby, or some particular person. Unless and until you bring up one of these pet subjects, you might as well talk to a tree.
Insulated Listening ‑ Insulated listeners are almost the opposite of their selective cousins just mentioned. Instead of looking for something, these people avoid it. Whenever a topic arises which they'd rather not deal with, insulated listeners simply fall to hear, or rather acknowledge it. You remind them about a problem, perhaps ‑ an unfinished job, poor grades, or the like ‑ and they'll nod or answer you and then promptly forget what you've just said.
Defensive Listening ‑ Defensive listeners take things you Intended as innocent comments as personal attacks. The teenager who perceives her parents' questions about her friends and activities as distrustful snooping is a defensive listener, as Is the insecure breadwinner who explodes any time his mate mentions money or the touchy parent who views any questioning by her children as a threat to her authority and parental wisdom. As your reading in Chapter 3 suggests, it's fair to assume that many defensive listeners are suffering from shaky public images, and avoid admitting this by pro their own Insecurities onto others.
Ambushing ‑ Ambushers listen carefully to you, but only because they're collecting information that they'll use to attack what you have to say. The cross‑examination‑ prosecution attorney is a good example of an ambusher. Needless to say, using this kind of strategy will justifiably initiate defensiveness on the other's behalf.