Covenant Counseling Services
PO Box 3303, Allentown, PA 18106‑0303
610‑366‑7880
GUIDELINES FOR STEPFAMILIES
1. If you are divorced, you may wish to be careful about introducing a person you are dating too quickly into the lives of your children. This is particularly true if you are dating several people.
2. If you are widowed, the children may need time and space to grieve their deceased parent. Children also need time to grieve a divorce.
3. If you are engaged, be clear to the children that your decision to remarry is your decision, not theirs. Give your children plenty of time to get to know your future spouse. Allow the stepfamily relationships time to develop. Don't expect "instant love." Reassure your children that your new relationship will not diminish their relationship with you. To reinforce this, arrange to spend time alone with them.
4. To help children feel more secure‑‑as well as to avoid loyalty conflicts‑‑try to avoid critical remarks about former spouses.
5. Loyalty conflicts among the children are quite common and to be expected, particularly among adolescents. You may want to let the children know you understand and accept their loyalty to their natural parent. Stepparents should not attempt to displace the role of a natural parent.
6. It is best not to try to adopt your stepchildren if their natural parent is living.
7. Encourage the children to talk about their original families, allow them to display pictures of their natural parent if they wish.
8. If possible, you may want to begin your new stepfamily life in a new home or apartment.
9. Let the children know what they should call a stepparent. Generally first names are preferred. As a stepparent, try to create a role for yourself very different from that of the natural parent.
10. Do not try too hard. This may cause stronger resistance from the stepchildren.
11. The couple needs to arrange private time to nourish their couple relationship. Their relationship is primary and may be a positive model for the children.
12. Although the children may be aware of the couple's new sexual relationship, it may be
necessary to minimize some of the sexual aspects of the household by keeping displays of affection to a minimum.
13. Make arrangements for "visiting" or noncustodial children to have a special place reserved for their clothes, toys, etc. Give them a chore and try to include them in some of the family activities.
14. Plan family activities that involve not only all family members, but also the different subgroups, e.g., parent, children and stepparent; parent, children; parent and individual children, etc.
15. Ask your parents to accept the stepchildren. Grandparents are very important to the unity of the stepfamily.
16. As much as possible. The natural parent should continue to be the primary disciplinarian. Violating this rule is a source of intense conflict in many stepfamilies. While it may be appropriate for a stepparent to discipline a small child, attempting to discipline an older child or adolescent may cause significant discord and loyalty conflicts.
17. Within reason, try to treat the children and stepchildren with equal fairness.
18. Flexibility is a must in the stepfamily structure because of the multitude of differences.
19. Don't try to buy your children or stepchildren's approval or cooperation.
20. Present a united front to the children. The couple's unity is vital to the functioning of the stepfamily.
21. If adolescent or older children or stepchildren have previously been fairly independent, allow them to remain so within reason,
22. Parents feel hurt, angry and resentful at times. They may wish the older children would grow up quickly and move out. If you sometimes have these feelings, you are not the "wicked" stepparent. You are only human.
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